Ah, toilet paper. That innocent little roll sitting quietly in your bathroom, innocuous, and oh-so-essential—or is it? If you ask me, my dear wicked ones, we might be staring at the greatest con in the history of mankind. Yes, I said it. Let’s dish.

Think about it. We’re paying good money for a product that we literally flush down the toilet. Every. Single. Day. We’re tossing away cash, wiping it on our behinds, and sending it to the sewage system like it’s nothing. Is this not the ultimate racket? The Charmin bears are probably lounging in their gold-plated forest homes, laughing at us all.

Let’s dive into the origins, shall we? Toilet paper is a relatively modern invention, but somehow, humanity has survived for centuries without it. A few leaves, a splash of water, a bit of cloth—crude but effective. Fast forward to today, and we’ve been brainwashed to believe that without this fluffy, overpriced tissue, civilization as we know it would collapse. Really? The ancients managed, and last I checked, they built the pyramids.

And don’t even get me started on the marketing. Those cute little puppies and bears in the commercials, selling us the dream of the softest, plushest experience for our derrières—oh please. It’s a game, my friends—a sly, cunning game. The manufacturers have you convinced that more plies equal a better life. But does your rear end really know the difference between two-ply and four-ply? I doubt it.

Of course, I’m not suggesting we all start using leaves again—after all, we’ve evolved past that (haven’t we?). But isn’t it time to question the necessity of this everyday item that’s silently draining our bank accounts and our forests? There are alternatives, from bidets to bamboo—dare I say, the time for a toilet paper revolution is nigh?

Well, well, well—if social media has taught us anything, it’s that the toilet paper revolution is officially upon us. And let me tell you, the rebellion is strong. It seems like folks here in the good ol’ U.S. of A. are finally waking up and asking the question we all should’ve asked ages ago: why are we still wiping our derrière with flimsy squares of tree pulp?

I mean, seriously—have you seen this TikTok? One bold user is out here spilling the tea, calling the entire concept of toilet paper not just a scam, but an unhygienic one at that. And honestly? They might just be onto something.

You really can’t argue with this kind of simple logic. Think about it—when you get any kind of, ahem, substance on your skin, the first thing most people do is make a beeline for soap and water. I mean, unless you’re stuck somewhere without running water (and if that’s the case, we have bigger problems), no one in their right mind would just wipe it off with a dry napkin and go about their day.

So why on earth have we been conditioned to do exactly that with toilet paper? It’s wild when you really think about it.

And just to drive the point home, here’s a video that shows the less-than-glamorous reality of using toilet paper alone on our behinds.

The proof is, quite literally, in the, ahem, pudding. So, it really makes you wonder—why are we still clinging to this outdated method? Especially when half the world has moved on to using bidets and handheld sprayers like they’re in some kind of futuristic hygiene utopia.

The reason, though, boils down to two things: bad first impressions and the American obsession with saving space.

When Americans first encountered bidets in Europe, they were often found in brothels, which—understandably—didn’t exactly scream “classy” to them. And then, in the 1970s, a guy named Arnold Cohen tried to bring the bidet revolution to the U.S., but let’s just say it didn’t exactly catch fire. His efforts quickly fizzled out, leaving us with our trusty ol’ TP.

It’s wild to think that, after all these years, many Americans still see bidets as unsanitary. But it looks like the tide might finally be turning for some…

Now, let’s be real—not everyone in North America is stuck in the Stone Age when it comes to hygiene. Wet wipes have been a thing for quite some time, after all. But we’ve got to face facts: those wipes, while convenient, are pricey, non-flushable, and not exactly eco-friendly.

So, here’s the ultimate breakdown between toilet paper, wet wipes, and the bidet:

So, with all that said, I’d say it’s high time we all start questioning this so-called everyday necessity.

In the last few years, we’ve definitely seen a surge in the popularity of bidets that attach to your standard U.S. toilet. This trend really took off around the time of the COVID-19 pandemic, when toilet paper became more valuable than gold, and people were scrambling for alternatives.

Here’s hoping this trend keeps growing—because if it does, maybe one day the big wigs at Charmin will be fresh out of a job.

Till next time, be wickedly wonderful…